Archive for the ‘Authors’ Category
Naginata and Jumble Sales
Tuesday, February 17th, 2009
“As for the whole question of women fightin’, Major, I told ‘em I wouldn’t have it in my regiment. Ridiculous bringin’ up the whole question in the first place. Take this new school on Skye—” said Captain Markby to Major Daneham.
“Old school, sir. Reopened after two thousand years, sir,” put in Lieutenant Jennings.
“Thank you, Jennings. I believe I was speaking to the Major?”
“Sorry, sir.”
“No, do go on, Lieutenant. I hadn’t heard that they had finally got funding,” said Major Daneham.
“They didn’t, sir.”
“Beg pardon?”
“They didn’t, sir. They raised it themselves.”
“What, through jumble sales and coffee mornings?” joked the Major.
“Something like that, sir. Over fifteen hundred of them, in three years. They had bake sales, as well. Got rather famous for something called the Amazon Roll, actually.”
“Good heavens. Organized bunch of—ladies, what?”
“Yes, sir. I believe they gave weapons demonstrations as well.”
“Marksmanship, that sort of thing?”
“Yes, sir. And weapons of historical interest, such as the naginata, and the claymore, sir.”
“Really?” said the Major, and wished he hadn’t, because Lieutenant Jennings’ eyes had lit up, and Major Daneham could tell he was about to start jabbering about weaponry. The Captain came to the rescue accidentally.
“Yes, yes, yes, but the point is, the point is!—I’m sure you’ll call me an old-fashioned man, but whether you like the numbers or not, got to face ‘em. When some dashed starburst has done for the computers and you’re out there in the field, face-to-face with the enemy and half your armor blown off, give me a man’s superior strength any day. Women, bless ‘em, well—damme it, I’m a traditionalist. ‘Her Place is in Space’ and all that. I mean to say, when I want a colony on Mars, nobody better for it than a lady! Taught my own daughter how to shoot so she could go to the Moon and serve in the police, didn’t I? And as for rocket design—! But when some dashed chap is telling me I can’t have Australia back, give me a regiment of men, thank you very much.”
Major Daneham noticed with relief that it was five o’clock and high time for him to pick up his wife from tae kwon do. He walked the Lieutenant out with the coffee cups, saying, “Can’t change old habits all in one go, you know.”
Excerpts from Goodwife Python’s Bestiary of Wonderful Flowers
Monday, February 16th, 2009
Sixth Ed., Vols. A-C.
Aconitum (Aconite). Also known as monkshood, wolfsbane, leopard’s bane, women’s bane, or Devil’s helmet.
An unassuming cousin of the buttercup, aconite thrives in mountain meadows and is much sought after by herbalists for its defensive properties. As its nicknames suggest, it is viewed as effective in warding off the dangers of a) wolves; b) leopards[1]; and c) women — thus its popularity among monks.
As with all mountain flowers, aconite may be less potent at lower altitudes. If it fails against a woman, the wielder can resort to force-feeding her the virulently poisonous root. This method is of questionable effectiveness against leopards or wolves.
Aconite is contraindicated in confrontations with the Devil. Do not give him back his hat.
[1] Or possibly giraffes. The Latin tractates are unclear on this point, and practical experiments have yielded inconclusive — if interesting — results.
Alopecurus (Foxtail).
Foxtails thrive in many climates, from the semidesert plains of North Africa (A. fennecus, notable for its large ears) up to the Arctic tundra (A. thulensis, which is buff-colored throughout the short summer months but produces white spikelets in winter).
Alopecurus is a gregarious grass, and travels in large packs, hunting by night. During the day it digs a burrow for resting, presenting in the tail-upward position for which it is known. Although not normally aggressive toward humans, Alopecurus will bite if disturbed. Therefore pulling it up is not recommended, unless provision has been made to anesthetize it first.
Creamcups (Platystemon californicus).
This New World poppy is densest on the American west coast, especially on the littoral between Los Angeles and San Francisco. Traditionally, the flower is harvested for its thick, rich juice, which can be added to coffee (north of the Oregon border), used in cooking, or whipped.
Recent report has it that new uses for the creamcup have developed in the California pornography industry, but Goodwife Python has no further details on this. (Much to her regret. She welcomes updated information, and video, via the usual channels.)