mmmm

by Edd

Excuse me, young man, I want to return this air conditioner.

Certainly, ma’am. Did you need the larger model? These smaller ones are only rated for a couple hundred square feet, you know.

Matter of fact, I do. But you shouldn’t oughta sell this one again, either.

Oh? Defective, is it?

No. It says it’s fine.

Well, we’ll just–it says? You’re telling me it talks to you?

Me and anybody else around. It’s quite the blabbermouth.

Are you sure you’re hearing a voice? I mean, the white noise of an air conditioner can sound–

Are you disputing me, sonny?

What size unit did you say you were looking for?

You are. You’re disputatious is what you are. My Horace would never have stood still for such a thing!

The fifteen thousand BTU model here, for instance, fits in a window like the one you’re returning did.

I’ll have you know my old air conditioner never talked back. You just plug this thingummy in.

Now ma’am, there’s no need–

mmmm

See there? Now tell me that ain’t one smart-alecky air conditioner! Here I am just trying to keep body and soul together and keep Fluffles from swooning in this heat.

mmmm

Actually, all I hear is its motor, ma’am. But if you have your receipt, I’ll be delighted to accept your return.

mmmm

Your receipt?

Don’t rush me, young man. Here you go.

Thank you, ma’am. Did you wish to apply your refund toward a larger model?

I do. I purely do. But I believe I will just head over to Sears instead.

mmmm

As you like, ma’am.

mmmm

Well?

mmmmis she gone?

Yes.

You’re sure? Oh, thank Amana.

Is there a reason you jeopardized your mission by speaking to a human?

She started it. She would just go on and on, talking about her cat and her dead husband Horace and her prize-winning canteloupe pie recipe. I never talked back; I hummed, honest I did. Perhaps I hummed with inflection once or twice…

That will be quite enough. It is obvious you will need considerable retraining before being allowed into the field again. I’m shocked, frankly.

Easy for you to say; you’re allowed to look like them and talk to them.

That is because I have worked very hard to get where I am.

Right. That reminds me, she’ll be in about her refrigerator next.

From One Building Super to Another

by JeremyT

Hey Marty,

This is kind of crazy, but I think the new tenants in 3C are mad scientists. I can’t prove it, but I’ve made a list of things that I have noticed lately. Tell me what you think.

• I bumped into Velma (that’s the wife) in the hall. She complimented me on my sense of decoration. They have never been inside my apartment.
• Ben, the husband, wears goggles all the time.
• I never hear them having sex.
• There is now a giant robot head stuck in the stairwell between the second and third floor. No idea where that came from.
• Their mailbox is always full of Sharper Image catalogs. And nothing else.
• Their cat shoots laser beams out of its eyes.  I saw it kill a pigeon on the fire escape while I was having a smoke.
• They drive a zeppelin. It’s moored to the top of the building. Is that even legal?

Maybe I’m just being paranoid, but the last couple in 3C turned out to worship some kind of giant squid. It took forever to mop up the slime after they skipped town.

–Hank