Grandma Britnee on Extraterrestrials

by Luc Reid

Well of course in my day there were no aliens, and if you started saying you’d seen one people would think you were crazy, but now there are all these Slugs and Thanatites and those blue monkey ones, and sometimes when I walk down the street to the drug store I half think I’m on another planet!

Some people don’t like the Slugs–you know, “Type 3 Barnardins” I think they call them? That’s because of the tentacles and the slimy trails and all that, but one of them goes to my church, and he sits right in back where he won’t bother anyone and he makes the best crumb cake I’ve ever tasted since my mother died, because there was a very good one at her wake. And some of them don’t like being called “Slugs,” but that’s what I call him and he never says anything about it, which is all he should do. I mean, that’s what they are.

But I do not like the Stalking Mantises. Their little husbands are all right, but the you know how big some of the females get, three and four meters sometimes! Well, the other day I was on the way back from laser bingo with Taylor-Anne when one of them stepped right on my walker and bent the leg of it!

“Watch where you’re going,” she said, in that crackly voice they have, and well, that just got me started. I took out my purse and started hitting her, and then the next thing you know we were rolling on the ground and having at it, just like during the bandwidth riots of ’09.

Oh, don’t look at me that way! How was I supposed to know she was their sacred whatever? Don’t blame the interstellar war on me. Besides, what’s one city more or less? I never did like Cleveland anyway.

Aliens Wrecked My Bike

by David

I didn’t see the wall. It was late, I was tired, and it was raining. I hit it hard, and it knocked me out. I came to with blood in my mouth and a pounding headache. My frame was bent and spokes stuck out from the front wheel like a punk haircut. Who builds a wall across the road in the middle of the night?! It hadn’t been there after school.

Some of the bricks had been knocked out of the wall and I picked one up. I’m sorry, I screamed. The brick was hard but warm, with short fur, and it gave a little scared-puppy squirm. Then the whole wall came apart and all of the bricks were running for the woods, like beetles under a log when you pick it up. In a few moments the only visible evidence of the wall was my wrecked bike.

*

The next morning I had to walk. I looked everywhere, but I didn’t see the aliens. At school no one said they’d seen any weird walls or furry bricks. I wasn’t going to ask! Who wants to look crazy?

Saturday I did some exploring in the woods with my beagle, Roger. Roger sniffed around a lot, and he dug a pretty deep hole under an oak tree. Squirrels were dropping acorns everywhere. The acorns kept hitting us, but I couldn’t see the squirrels. Every time an acorn hit Roger, he yelped. It seemed like the squirrels were aiming at us. I’ve heard they do that. Anyway, it was creeping me out, so we left.

Did you know there are hundreds of kinds of oak trees, but only a couple of kinds of squirrels? I broadened my search, and you know what? Weird things happen all the time. I don’t know if any of them are caused by the little furry aliens.

*

We’re getting new neighbors soon, and maybe they have a kid. I hope so. I haven’t seen them yet, but they’re building a brick house. It’s going up fast, and they only cut down the trees they had to, so it’s like in the woods already, which is cool if there aren’t too many squirrels. I’ll go over soon and introduce myself.
I need some help: those aliens owe me a bike.