Comedy is Hard

by Ken Brady

Good morning, hero!

Welcome to the Portland Safe Zone surface gate. Before you depart, please read the following briefing.

From the answers on your induction questionnaire, we’ve provided you with a skill-appropriate survival backpack.

In the backpack you’ll find the following items:
– 1 HK USP-C 9mm compact semi-automatic pistol, matte
– 2 magazines, 13 round capacity, empty
– 1 box 9mm Parabellum ammunition, 50 ct.
– 1 combat knife with compass
– 1 baggy jumpsuit, white
– 1 red nose, round
– 1 wig, hot pink
– 1 tube greasepaint
– 1 pair shoes, size 17
– 1 package balloons, 50 ct.
– 1 roll duct tape, silver
– 1 roll bailing wire
– New Oregon currency notes, 100 credits

Your survival profile indicates that you will want to get clear of the city as soon as possible. The city is a very serious place, full of decaying structures, unfriendly vegetation, and oversize rodents. There is nothing for you there.

The outskirts of town will likely provide you with pockets of civilization in need of entertainment and/or protection.

Some dangers that lurk in the suburbs include (but are not limited to):
– Armed raiding parties
– Slave traders
– Mutated Californians
– Traveling vacuum cleaner salesmen

Use your skills and provided items well against these challenges, as the downtrodden people of these settlements will be depending on you for inspiration.

Beyond the suburbs, we really don’t know what sorts of things you’ll find out there. In fact, we think you’re a little bit crazy for wanting to go outside at all. It’s warm in here. And dry. And safe. And well-stocked.

But that’s OK. It’s your life. We understand that some people need more than safety to feel alive. That’s why you’re a hero. We need heroes in these dark times. Even crazy ones. Especially crazy ones.

Just be careful. Don’t take any unnecessary risks in the name of heroism. Or comedy. Come back to us with your skull and sense of humor intact.

Good luck saving the world. Knock ’em dead!

The Hole in Chestnut Street

by David

The hole got bigger after we went to bed. That must have been what happened to Mom. She always comes home late after going out with Mr. Sanders and she’s usually high when she gets in. I had put a traffic cone in front of the hole, but it must have fallen in.

In the morning the old orange couch was gone and Mom’s recliner was hanging over the edge. Jase pushed it in. I told him he was a butthead.

“We can’t stay here, Jase. At the present rate of expansion we’ll be cut off from the kitchen by afternoon and we won’t be able to reach the bathroom after tonight. It is not going to be okay to just go on the floor.”

The baby just sat down and cried. He said I was much meaner than Mom and he wished I was the one who fell down the hole. Well excuse me! Who was it got into the Professor’s books and recited some of the spells? He was just lucky he hadn’t summoned a three-headed demon covered with warts and with flaming lava eyes. So then he cried some more. Completely unproductive.

Then, he wanted to go after Mom. I explained the hole could only be closed from here and then he said we can’t close it because Mom would be trapped inside. So I explained, again, there is no inside. The hole is like a door. The other side is just another place. Mom is there, and she’s doing just fine. She would be better at getting back by herself than we would at finding her. I don’t know the first thing about how to find her. Okay, I do know the first thing. We need something of hers, like some hair from her hairbrush. If she wasn’t so freaking OCD there might be hair on her hairbrush. As it is, I’m not sure there’s any trace of her in this house at all.

So that’s not an option. I grabbed the book, we packed a picnic basket, and got out. Right before we left I measured the hole again and it’s expanding exponentially. By Wednesday morning Chestnut Street will be gone. Sorry. Remember, it’s Jase’s fault. In the meantime, I’m getting far enough away so I’ll have time to see if there’s anything in the book about closing a hole. This is so annoying. Now I’ll never finish my project for Thaumaturgy.

The End