On Not Giving Back the Devil’s Hat

by Rudi Dornemann

In Monday’s story, Susannah brought us a cutting from Goodwife Python’s Bestiary of Wonderful Flowers that contained the line, “Do not give [the devil] back his hat.”

I second this exhortation because, from firsthand experience, I know how true it is.

A few years ago, I worked as coat check clerk at a Nephelim bar in the theater district, back when it was still more of a semi-abandoned warehouse district. We had a list of rules, written by the owner in red Sharpie on pizza box cardboard, and not giving the devil his hat was number 5.

It was like a practical joke or a running gag between the boss and the fallen one. We had a whole lead-lined room in the basement full of hats, each on its own Styrofoam head, all under a continual mist of holy water. Each — cowboy hat, bowler, knit black watch cap, velvet beret — had two little holes for the horns, but even without that, you would have known. The heaviness in the pit of your stomach would have told you.

The thing about the hats is that they concealed something even more powerfully troubling: the devil’s haircut. That’s right, like the Beck song — where other cultures have proverbs, we distill wisdom for future generations in pop culture. It was different every time, sculpted hair-by-hair with some infernal product, each ‘do an unforgettable, mind-burning sigil, like crop circles or mandalas whose meaning you never wanted to know. But I digress.

It all went well enough until the day the devil didn’t just roll his eyes at the excuse du jour.

“Yeah. Fine. Never mind about the hat,” he said. “I know better than to wear anything decent here. But,” he dropped his voice to a conspiratorial pitch Eve might have recognized, “there’s a feather in the brim, and I’d like that back.”

There wasn’t anything on the cardboard about feathers, and the boss said to treat him like anyone else (except the hat thing), so I headed downstairs. The foam heads howled; the sprinklers misted what looked and smelled like blood. The only hat with a feather was the fedora I grabbed.

“Thanks,” said the devil. “Last one.” He twitched his shoulders. “Souvenir of the wings that were.”

A tip smoldered on the counter, generous enough — once the gold congealed again — but I quit. When the devil starts noticing you, however positively, it’s time to look for more anonymous work. Please, forget you heard any of this. Just remember the hats.

Naginata and Jumble Sales

by Kat Beyer

“As for the whole question of women fightin’, Major, I told ‘em I wouldn’t have it in my regiment. Ridiculous bringin’ up the whole question in the first place. Take this new school on Skye—” said Captain Markby to Major Daneham.

“Old school, sir. Reopened after two thousand years, sir,” put in Lieutenant Jennings.

“Thank you, Jennings. I believe I was speaking to the Major?”

“Sorry, sir.”

“No, do go on, Lieutenant. I hadn’t heard that they had finally got funding,” said Major Daneham.

“They didn’t, sir.”

“Beg pardon?”

“They didn’t, sir. They raised it themselves.”

“What, through jumble sales and coffee mornings?” joked the Major.

“Something like that, sir. Over fifteen hundred of them, in three years. They had bake sales, as well. Got rather famous for something called the Amazon Roll, actually.”

“Good heavens. Organized bunch of—ladies, what?”

“Yes, sir. I believe they gave weapons demonstrations as well.”

“Marksmanship, that sort of thing?”

“Yes, sir. And weapons of historical interest, such as the naginata, and the claymore, sir.”

“Really?” said the Major, and wished he hadn’t, because Lieutenant Jennings’ eyes had lit up, and Major Daneham could tell he was about to start jabbering about weaponry. The Captain came to the rescue accidentally.

“Yes, yes, yes, but the point is, the point is!—I’m sure you’ll call me an old-fashioned man, but whether you like the numbers or not, got to face ‘em. When some dashed starburst has done for the computers and you’re out there in the field, face-to-face with the enemy and half your armor blown off, give me a man’s superior strength any day. Women, bless ‘em, well—damme it, I’m a traditionalist. ‘Her Place is in Space’ and all that. I mean to say, when I want a colony on Mars, nobody better for it than a lady! Taught my own daughter how to shoot so she could go to the Moon and serve in the police, didn’t I? And as for rocket design—! But when some dashed chap is telling me I can’t have Australia back, give me a regiment of men, thank you very much.”

Major Daneham noticed with relief that it was five o’clock and high time for him to pick up his wife from tae kwon do. He walked the Lieutenant out with the coffee cups, saying, “Can’t change old habits all in one go, you know.”