Archive for the ‘Series’ Category
Naginata and Jumble Sales
Tuesday, February 17th, 2009
“As for the whole question of women fightin’, Major, I told ‘em I wouldn’t have it in my regiment. Ridiculous bringin’ up the whole question in the first place. Take this new school on Skye—” said Captain Markby to Major Daneham.
“Old school, sir. Reopened after two thousand years, sir,” put in Lieutenant Jennings.
“Thank you, Jennings. I believe I was speaking to the Major?”
“Sorry, sir.”
“No, do go on, Lieutenant. I hadn’t heard that they had finally got funding,” said Major Daneham.
“They didn’t, sir.”
“Beg pardon?”
“They didn’t, sir. They raised it themselves.”
“What, through jumble sales and coffee mornings?” joked the Major.
“Something like that, sir. Over fifteen hundred of them, in three years. They had bake sales, as well. Got rather famous for something called the Amazon Roll, actually.”
“Good heavens. Organized bunch of—ladies, what?”
“Yes, sir. I believe they gave weapons demonstrations as well.”
“Marksmanship, that sort of thing?”
“Yes, sir. And weapons of historical interest, such as the naginata, and the claymore, sir.”
“Really?” said the Major, and wished he hadn’t, because Lieutenant Jennings’ eyes had lit up, and Major Daneham could tell he was about to start jabbering about weaponry. The Captain came to the rescue accidentally.
“Yes, yes, yes, but the point is, the point is!—I’m sure you’ll call me an old-fashioned man, but whether you like the numbers or not, got to face ‘em. When some dashed starburst has done for the computers and you’re out there in the field, face-to-face with the enemy and half your armor blown off, give me a man’s superior strength any day. Women, bless ‘em, well—damme it, I’m a traditionalist. ‘Her Place is in Space’ and all that. I mean to say, when I want a colony on Mars, nobody better for it than a lady! Taught my own daughter how to shoot so she could go to the Moon and serve in the police, didn’t I? And as for rocket design—! But when some dashed chap is telling me I can’t have Australia back, give me a regiment of men, thank you very much.”
Major Daneham noticed with relief that it was five o’clock and high time for him to pick up his wife from tae kwon do. He walked the Lieutenant out with the coffee cups, saying, “Can’t change old habits all in one go, you know.”
Your Recent Visit from the Monkey God
Friday, February 13th, 2009
Supposedly–this is what people are saying, anyway–you, meaning you specifically, the reader of this piece, have been visited by the Monkey God some time in the last six weeks or so. I don’t know what he did to you.
You probably wouldn’t have seen him, but if you did, you might not have realized it at the time. It’s true that his traditional form is a Tibetan macaque wearing an ornate, six-tiered golden crown studded with big, fat pearls and always askew. He also often wears random items of clothing that look like they were shoplifted without regard to style or color, but when visiting people he’s more likely to be a vague form seen from the corner of the eye, or an old lady with a face very much like a monkey’s, or a slightly ribald street performer. Regardless, you will know him by his works.
If there was something you were very serious about and set on, something you planned out and prepared for carefully but that went completely haywire at the last minute due to some completely random interruption, that was probably the visit. Alternatively, it may have been something bizarre and painful that happened out of the blue.
The Monkey God particularly enjoys irony, mixing things that aren’t usually supposed to go together (like librarians and roosters, for instance), and violating expectations. He generally visits people, but occasionally spends time screwing things up for other animals, particularly pets.
The reason I tell you this is that the Monkey God loves you, and for various reasons (honestly, I think it’s just that he’s uncomfortable with these kinds of conversations) he probably won’t tell you about it himself. He expects you to step back from your situation, see how ludicrous it is, laugh, gain new perspective on your life, and understand that it was all for you own good, which frankly (and I’ve told him this in prayer scroll after prayer scroll, but I’m not even convinced he picks up his mail) is a little much to ask, if you want my opinion.
Sorry to interrupt your day with this. Hope that was useful to know about. And I get the impression that he’s planning a return trip, so hold onto your hat and try to keep a sense of humor. I know I will be.
This story is related to Luc’s Delayed Appearance of the Monkey God, but not to Daniel Braum’s Boon of the Monkey God. There’s a story behind that, but it’s not very interesting, so I’ll leave it out.