Archive for the ‘Series’ Category
Ike Turnbull Answers “Datin’ Satan”
Wednesday, May 5th, 2010
Dear Ike,
About two years ago, some girlfriends and I started worshipping the devil, just as something to do on weekends. We’d make mojitos, watch Sex and the City, and then around midnight we’d sacrifice a kid goat and dance in its blood, things like that. It was just innocent fun at first.
But then sometimes if I had a rough day at work, sometimes I’d come home and eviscerate a puppy in a pentagram or try cursing the neighbor’s cat with hairballs, just because it gave me that little pick-me-up I needed … and then one day he started leaving me notes! I’d wake up in the morning and my wall would be dripping with blood saying “Keep up the good work, sweet cheeks,” or at work I’d be alone with someone in the break room and they’d start foaming at the mouth and writhe on the floor and shout out in an roaring, inhuman voice “You look really hot in that blouse!” It just kept getting more serious. I even changed my name to Diabolica, which he said sounded really sexy.
OK, long story short, we started dating a few weeks ago, but he hasn’t messaged me now for about ten days, and I think he may be dating other Satanists! I’m trying to just be trusting and supportive, but then I think how he’s evil incarnate, and I’m just afraid he doesn’t care about me as much as I care about him. What should I do?
Datin’ Satan
Dear Datin’ Satan,
1. Don’t worship Satan. It’s really that simple.
2. It may have been a bad move to change your name to Diabolica and then publicly announce that you’ve been hexing your neighbors.
Good luck, and stay away from piles of wood.
Ike Turnbull
Lessons in the Dark
Tuesday, April 27th, 2010
Today’s story continues last week’s The Tale of the Astrolabe.
“Why am I learning all this?” asked Saan after his first day on the shore of the subterranean ocean.
The scorpion-man was the one who finally answered. “Study a year and a day, and you’ll know.”
“You’ll tell me?”
He didn’t answer, and if his carapace-skin hadn’t been translucent, Saan wouldn’t have seen his smile.
Beyond the sea-light’s shimmer, everything was unchanging darkness. Saan had no idea when days began or ended. He doubted he’d have much more sense of a year.
First thing after waking, he cleaned and repaired owl towers. Rather than keeping mice out of fields like their counterparts above, these owls kept lungfish from overrunning the delicate gardens of land-coral. Before sleep, Saan polished the astrolabes they hung to scare off the fish the owls didn’t get.
Between, he had lessons.
The troglodyte women taught about the world below. Irzell taught history and her sister Zirell, geography. Some days, he was sure they switched, but the subjects blurred anyway–listing Aldressorian battle-griots led naturally into recounting the shifting borders of their telling-lands down the years of the memory wars.
The baboon doffed his filigree robes for long strips of cloth like mummy wrappings to teach combat, hand and blade. He had to repeat every move a hundred times before Saan could make his far less flexible body imitate the vaguest shadow of the motion.
Saan sat with the scorpion-man for hours, rehearsing protocol, which was even more elusive than the other subjects. If you were given a snail, the proper thing was to praise the sky over the land of the snail-giver’s birth. Unless you were in the south of Uil, where saying anything before eating the snail was a mortal offense. Unless this was during the festival of Noltu, and the snail was spiced. Then you needed to feign sneezing, and remember that loudness counted for sincerity among the Uilish…
Saan had gone from wondering why he was learning these things to wondering if he was learning anything.
Irzell sensed his uncertainty. “There are patterns to everything. All knowledge is written in stars above us.”
“We’re in a cave,” said Saan, but, looking up, he saw faint glints on the far-off cave ceiling.
“The knowledge of a dozen lost libraries is there, encoded.”
“But how do you decode…” he said, and remembered the garden’s astrolabes.
A year and a day didn’t seem quite as long.