Archive for the ‘Authors’ Category
mmmm
Monday, March 26th, 2007
Excuse me, young man, I want to return this air conditioner.
Certainly, ma’am. Did you need the larger model? These smaller ones are only rated for a couple hundred square feet, you know.
Matter of fact, I do. But you shouldn’t oughta sell this one again, either.
Oh? Defective, is it?
No. It says it’s fine.
Well, we’ll just–it says? You’re telling me it talks to you?
Me and anybody else around. It’s quite the blabbermouth.
Are you sure you’re hearing a voice? I mean, the white noise of an air conditioner can sound–
Are you disputing me, sonny?
What size unit did you say you were looking for?
You are. You’re disputatious is what you are. My Horace would never have stood still for such a thing!
The fifteen thousand BTU model here, for instance, fits in a window like the one you’re returning did.
I’ll have you know my old air conditioner never talked back. You just plug this thingummy in.
Now ma’am, there’s no need–
mmmm
See there? Now tell me that ain’t one smart-alecky air conditioner! Here I am just trying to keep body and soul together and keep Fluffles from swooning in this heat.
mmmm
Actually, all I hear is its motor, ma’am. But if you have your receipt, I’ll be delighted to accept your return.
mmmm
Your receipt?
Don’t rush me, young man. Here you go.
Thank you, ma’am. Did you wish to apply your refund toward a larger model?
I do. I purely do. But I believe I will just head over to Sears instead.
mmmm
As you like, ma’am.
mmmm
Well?
mmmmis she gone?
Yes.
You’re sure? Oh, thank Amana.
Is there a reason you jeopardized your mission by speaking to a human?
She started it. She would just go on and on, talking about her cat and her dead husband Horace and her prize-winning canteloupe pie recipe. I never talked back; I hummed, honest I did. Perhaps I hummed with inflection once or twice…
That will be quite enough. It is obvious you will need considerable retraining before being allowed into the field again. I’m shocked, frankly.
Easy for you to say; you’re allowed to look like them and talk to them.
That is because I have worked very hard to get where I am.
Right. That reminds me, she’ll be in about her refrigerator next.
The Bagel Didn’t Fit
Monday, March 26th, 2007
They held a wake for the toaster. I didn’t participate. The cutlery served as ushers and all the glassware and most of the ceramics participated. Didn’t tell them a wake doesn’t need ushers. I can let some errors ride. The microwave gave the eulogy. All about how they had been neighbors, and that even though the toaster tended to be a bit rigid in his views, she felt that at bottom he was a good soul. It went on for a very long time.
“When are you guys going to be done?” I said, “because I’m feeling a bit hungry.” If looks could kill! One of the juice glasses, the “Land Before Time” one with Sarah on it, actually started to cry.
“It was an accident!” I said.
“How could you be so insensitive!?” one of the Mexican bowls gasped. She fanned herself and hyperventilated: “I need some air.” I tried to lift her up to the window sill, but she shied away like I might drop her.
“Well, I’ll get something from a restaurant. Don’t wait up.” A chilly silence followed me outdoors.
The van was surly. “You know, Jack,” she said, “you can be a real jerk.”
“Yeah, sorry,” I said. “Let’s go to Taco Bell.” At least she drove me over there. I was half afraid that she would refuse. I went through the drive-through. At the order panel I asked for a couple of chicken soft tacos and a margarita.
“What? I can’t hear you! You’ll have to go back through the line.”
I repeated myself. I shouted. I used words of one syllable. The panel seemed to understand less each time, almost like it wasn’t listening. “What’s the matter with that thing?”
“Word travels fast. She just married a toaster,” the van replied. “Maybe a human wouldn’t understand.”