Archive for the ‘Authors’ Category
My Friend in Hell
Tuesday, October 13th, 2009
“Dude, long time no see!”
“Yeah.”
“I’d ask you how you’re doing, but I figured, you know, you’re in Hell, so probably not great.”
“No man, not really.”
“Does that devil guy have to do that to you while we’re talking?”
“Yeah, he always does that.”
“But isn’t it, you know, painful?”
“Yeah. Actually, very painful.”
“They grow back, though?”
“That part’s a little gross. Let’s just skip it, OK? So how’d you get in here? They told me I couldn’t have any visitors, not even other Damned dudes.”
“Well, up in Heaven we get pretty much anything we ask for. I mean dude, the weed! And I have this thing going with Heidi Klum … I don’t know if it’s actually, you, know Heidi Klum, but–”
“Now I’m getting why they let me see you. I thought I was miserable, but the thought of you up there smoking weed with Heidi Klum while I’m down here just made me really miserable.”
“We don’t just smoke weed: we play Halo, we go to Santana concerts … Oh, and they’ve got these awesome air battles! Everybody gets wings, right? And you pack a picnic lunch–”
“Dude, TMI. Hell, remember?”
“Oh yeah–sorry. Anyway, I came down here because I wanted to ask you something.”
“What?”
“Want to get the hell out of here?”
“Whoa! Holy crap!”
“Sorry. I didn’t get you a little, did I?”
“Dude! Where’d you get that gun?”
“I told you, you can get anything you want up there.”
“There are little bits of burned devil all over me!”
“Sorry about that … and the smell.”
“Dude, don’t apologize. That was awesome!”
“Here, I brought another gun for you. Want to go play some real-life Doom before we ditch this place?”
“”You utterly and completely rock, man. But are they going to just let me in up there? Are they even going to let you back in?”
“I don’t know, dude. Anyplace has got to be better than this pit though, right?”
“But the weed! And Heidi Klum!”
“Yeah, but Dude … you can’t replace friends.”
Determined Samantha
Monday, October 12th, 2009
Everyone agreed later that no student had arrived with more mud on her, indeed, more pure ground-in grime, than Samantha MacKinnon—not even when Mirabelle Hayes and Bao-Yu Zheng met and fought a duel in a pigsty on the road to the Women’s Battle College, Isle of Skye.
She arrived ten days into St Brigid’s term, so, not only filthy but a term and ten days late, which was rather more of a problem.
Her excuse?
“I had to walk from the Sierras,” she explained.
“It’s probably true,” pointed out the Bursar. “They ran out of super-refined twice this year.”
“Except that I gather it’s still difficult to walk across the Atlantic,” said the Treasurer.
They looked at Samantha, who glared back tiredly.
“Snuck onto a surplus ship,” she said. “That got me to Up-Liverpool. Walked here.”
She pushed the heels of her hands into her eyes and rubbed vigorously before adding, “Look, can you feed me now and decide about me later? I’m so tired.”
She wanted to add, “And this whole journey I’ve been thinking, if only I can get there it will be okay, just like in the stories… it will be okay. And having to knock out some guy so I could drive his motorcycle to the East Coast instead of giving him my virginity like he wanted, and having to steal every bite of food I’ve eaten, and having to run away from my stupid home with my stupid drunk dad, and having to fight about half the sailors on the ship, and having to beat up and run away from some guys who were obviously procurers, and having to clean every dirty toilet in an entire hotel so I could stay for a week and sleep, just sleep, all of it will make sense, because I’ll be where I know I’m supposed to be. It will all be okay.”
Instead she just stood and looked at them, wearing three weeks worth of dirt and smelling like three weeks worth of sweat.
The Treasurer looked scandalized, but, as Samantha would learn, that was just her way.
The Bursar said, “Forgive us, dear. I can tell it has been a terribly long journey. Do come in,” adding to the Treasurer in a voice she knew perfectly well Samantha could hear, “Of course she can stay. This is the sort of determination we’re looking for, after all.”