Archive for the ‘Authors’ Category
Parameters of the Parametes
Friday, May 14th, 2010
by David C. Kopaska-Merkel, Luc Reid, and Trent Walters
This is an exquisite corpse. Each of us wrote 1/3 of the story.
Lost in a thought he couldn’t let go, Chet bumped into a paramete in full plumage. She reared back, inadvertently spurting a few centiliters of rainbow spores from her bejeweled gametoslits.
“Clumsy human! May cleanser grubs devour you alive!”
Chet offered the Bow of Contrition, but the paramete swept past and was gone. Chet glanced over his shoulder but saw nothing.
***
Returning home, Chet hurried to his rooftop lab. He wasn’t allowed to work in the basement since the Thousand Stenches incident. He took out the parcel he’d picked up at Thaumaturge’s Market. As he sought the proper protocol, a gust of wind ripped a page out of his lab notebook. He hoped it wasn’t crucial.
Chet ground a slice of the memory root into a fine powder. He mixed it up into the last of the lemon hummus, scraped it onto a pita chip, and ate. Trembling, he sat on the cool tar roof and waited to “meet” his father–world’s finest thaumatuge–who’d died in a horrible lab accident involving parametes when Chet was three.
Thaumaturgic symbols Chet had inscribed around him set the time frame. Touching his father’s ashes at his mother’s house was to ensure he’d see the right memories. Chet’s fingernails tickled, his nose hairs quivered, and murmuring noises burbled in his ears. This was it. This would be worth saving a year and a half to buy that memory root. A vision–bright colors writhed, bucked–came into focus:
It was a paramete pleasure nest, on a particularly pleasure-filled night. Chet realized: He had bumped into a paramete on the way home. The parametes paused in their feathered flurry and, poking their long necks out of the fray, turned to Chet. This was supposed to be a memory, Chet thought as he backed into a wall of pointy sticks. The parametes surrounded him and glared. Simultaneously, the parametes shook and ruffled their feathers, showering a cascade of cleanser grubs that inched their way toward Chet. Chet tried to leap over them, but they leapt with him, crawling up pant legs, down his shirt collar, through shirt sleeves. He weakened before he was able to strip off his shirt to peel off grubs.
***
Chet awoke on the rooftop, groggy as from a night of indulgence. It must have been one helluva night because he remembered nothing from the day before.
Playing God
Thursday, May 13th, 2010
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Jesus Christ Now Owns Every Major Game Developer
SAN FRANCISCO, January 1 – Playing God Studios (Nasdaq: PGS) today announced its acquisition of the last two major independent studios, making its takeover of the video game industry almost complete.
“I was sick and tired of games not living up to their potential,” said Jesus Christ, CEO of PGS. “Dumbing down titles for the console market just makes me want to scream. I’ve been playing games for a long time. Realizing the futility of fighting the supernatural is good! Sure, Halo hooked me on consoles like everyone else, but it’s just too easy to take down the gods in games these days. Don’t whine if a game is too hard. RTFM, guys.”
In addition to taking over all phases of game ideation, testing, and production, PGS will host multiplayer servers in its proprietary Heavenly Cloud.
“It’s a win-win for everyone,” Jesus said. “No worrying about ratings boards, rehashed ideas, lag, crashed servers. Gamers get better games, parents can be sure their kids will learn how to kill responsibly and in keeping with Christian tradition, and I get richer than Carlos Slim. I am the alpha and omega, concept and gold master. Every phase, it’s all about me.”
Industry heavy-hitters agree these purchases will help PGS acquire millions of new users and bring them into the light.
Square Enix is thrilled. PR director Nao Watanabe said, “Finally, someone else understands that infinite complexity makes games better, and offers more opportunity for hundreds of spin-offs and downloadable content.”
“Not like we can do anything about it,” said Jack Ortega, spokesman for Activision Blizzard. “He’s the son of God. He’s got good lawyers.”
What’s next for PGS? How about banishing inferior game designers to Hell to beta Duke Nukem Forever?
Jesus offered one piece of advice: “If you see me online, don’t challenge me. I only play in God mode. I will fucking smite you.”
Founded in 2011, Playing God Studios was formed by Jesus Christ and a number of angel investors. A long-time gamer, Jesus has become the most sought-after alpha tester in history, coming up with so many good ideas he’s been called the “savior of the game industry.”
If you would like more information, or to schedule an interview with Jesus, call (555) 888-1480 or email jesusfuckingchrist@playinggod.com.
SOURCE: PGS, Inc.