Archive for the ‘Edd Vick’ Category
Weird Wendy
Tuesday, December 14th, 2010
Nora was unremarkable if you ignored the licorice horn sticking out of the middle of her forehead. Benjamin was entirely ordinary excepting the lightning that played about his tonsure. Their dog Falafel was totally commonplace apart from his tendency to memorize sports scores.
Their house could hardly have been less notable; few there were who said anything about the staircase to Heaven rising from the attic. Indeed, their neighborhood was quite the most mundane around, having rather a small moat. Nobody would have thought their city at all unusual, despite its larger than average population of ghosts.
That Tuesday was a usual sort of Tuesday, excepting that Benjamin quite suddenly became pregnant. The following day, a Friday, Nora gave birth to a daughter they named Wendy. The next day, the fourth Easter in a row, they examined her.
“I thought she might have wings or a tail,” said Nora. “But she doesn’t.”
“She doesn’t have a transparent skull, either,” said Benjamin. “And squirrels aren’t attracted to her.”
An angel passing by said, “She does not appear to cry tears of lemonade, nor does her soul smell of rosemary.”
Falafel sniffed at the new child and seemed vaguely concerned.
Wendy grew up to be the weirdest child in the world. She took all of twenty-one years to reach her twenty-first birthday, too.
Testing Ground
Tuesday, November 30th, 2010
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Rucker:
As you may be aware, Santa Clara County is conducting a series of above-ground atomic bomb tests in our effort to defend ourselves against the invasion of forces from San Francisco. These tests began two years ago when Oakland destroyed the Bay Bridge and San Francisco’s navy proved unequal to mounting an assault across San Francisco Bay. San Francisco then turned their attention south toward San Jose, provoking our military to explore the nuclear defense option. After considering many factors including environmental, strategic, economic, and impact on residents, the site selection committee has chosen the 5200 block of Merit Avenue as the best candidate site.
This letter is to inform you that your house (identified as Tax Parcel No. 5480035017) was chosen as the site of the test. The County of Santa Clara, California hereby claims your property under the right of eminent domain so that this test may be conducted.
The County of Santa Clara will reimburse your family the current tax assessed value of your home and reasonable moving expenses if you choose to remain in the county. We anticipate that you will have questions about this purchase, and will be pleased to discuss the particulars with you. Ms. Beverley Allele will be your point of contact with Santa Clara County, and can be reached at the number below.
By the way, should you choose to remain within the city of San Jose, we recommend you avoid North Loganberry Way.
Yours truly,
Leopold Budden
County Assessor’s Office