MEDIA BRIEFING: Hair Crisis

by Jason Fischer

• Do not refer to the syndrome as a disease, or use any of the slangs or euphemisms. It is only to be referred to as Thorpe-Foster Syndrome.

• Hair/Beards/Body Hair are not to be trimmed before any press conference. All unaffected staff are to be kept out of the public eye. Remember: an image of solidarity with the afflicted, a process of acceptance rather than cure. (Note: trimming around eyes and mouth is acceptable).

• Do not give false hope.

• Growth of 2 inches/hour is consistent in all countries except New Zealand (1 inch/hour).

• Report committee findings: early deaths linked to respiratory failure, including excess nasal hair growth and in some cases blocked lungs. 90% of the world population is now recognised as Thorpe-Foster Type 1.

• Our official position is to push Prof. MacAdam’s theory (hyperactive hair follicles a spontaneous evolution, a thick coat of hair useful to block out UV rays and light/medium pollution.)

• Inform public of Outdoor Furnaces Act (Hair Amendment). Waste hair is not to be burnt by civilians in backyards. A collection service is to be organised at a Local Council level. Bins will be distributed, and collected weekly.

• Make no attempt to discredit Nguyen’s “cure”. This administration cannot be linked to the smear. Make reference to a review committee, but only if pressed.

• End on a positive note. Report our latest findings, that dreadlocked hair seems to grow slowly after the three foot mark.