Archive for the ‘Jon Hansen’ Category
Father Time
Wednesday, December 1st, 2010
Once there was a man who realized the days of his life were finite. Unlike others, he decided to do something about it and so paid a visit to Father Time. Back then you could speak to Father Time if you moved in the right circles.
“Father Time,” he said to the greyness, “will you add more days to my life?”
“No,” said Father Time in a faded voice. “But I can lengthen the days.”
“That will do,” said the man. So with his lengthened days the man went on to build giant robots, huge armadas, a vast empire. But soon the man realized he had very few days left, so he went again to Father Time. Back then you could speak to Father Time a second time if you paid the right bribes.
“Father Time,” he said to the crumbling mountains. “Will you again lengthen the days of my life?”
“No,” said Father Time in the voice of the tide. “But I can lengthen the hours.”
“That will do,” said the man. With those lengthened hours he accomplished more: he carved monuments, composed anthems, designed cities. But soon the man realized he had very few hours left, so he went again to Father Time. Back then you could speak to Father Time a third time if you sacrificed the right people.
“Father Time,” he said to the hourglass. “Will you again lengthen the hours of my life?”
“No,” said Father Time in a fleeting voice. “But I can lengthen the minutes.”
“Very well,” said the man. So with those lengthened minutes he did even more: rewrote DNA, split the quark, warped space. But now he had almost no time left at all. “Oh, Father Time,” he cried out, for once you have seen Father Time three times you are old friends with each other’s name in your rolodex, “my time is almost up. Will you again lengthen the minutes remaining to me?”
“No,” said Father Time in a distant voice. “But I can help you know what you should do with the time remaining.”
“That will do,” said the man. So Father Time showed him Death, for the power of Death is to concentrate the mind on what you most fervently needed to accomplish. The man looked into the end and then he knew what he must do.
But now he had no time left at all.
Reset
Wednesday, November 17th, 2010
Someday you may wish to reset your life. A tree falls, leaves your daughter paralyzed from the waist down. You forward the wrong email to your boss and are subsequently fired. While hunting you accidentally shoot your best friend, killing him. Such events are not as uncommon as we hope.
To reset, follow these directions.
1. To prepare your reset point, go to a soundless place and remember a day when things were still as they should be. Write out a complete description of that day. Leave out nothing. The two seconds of arousal when the charming neighbor greeted you, the half-second of formless panic when you thought you had forgotten the gift. Such details are essential.
2. With description in hand, leave your home at sundown and travel on foot to the nearest crossroads. Speak to no one. Minimize contact with metal. When you arrive, sit in the center of the crossroads and wait. Think only of your goal. Try not to move.
3. At midnight the universe’s first intermediary will arrive, recognizable by white-feathered wings, a halo, and a golden harp. This intermediary will offer, in a voice of gravel and thorns, to restore the universe to the desired point in exchange for your soul. Refuse. While soulless people live perfectly normal lives, this option will not allow changes. Your life will begin again, but you’ll be unable to alter events, instead repeating them.
4. At 3am, the second intermediary will appear, equipped with hooves, small horns, and a pointed tail. With a voice soft as the ocean wind it will offer you comfort for how things are. Refuse. While an improvement over the first offer, it will not correct the past. You will instead accept the unfortunate developments as immutable.
5. When dawn arrives, read your description of the day aloud in full, then wait. The universe might manifest as a robin in the grass, a sudden rainstorm, or a policewoman in her patrol car. Explain to the universe what has gone wrong in your life, then give the description of the day to it. Close your eyes and wait. Your life will reset to the desired day.
Troubleshooting
This procedure can fail if your description is incomplete. Without a full detailing, the universe will not be able to reset your life. If this happens, then you must start again.