Plugs

Luc Reid writes about the psychology of habits at The Willpower Engine. His new eBook is Bam! 172 Hellaciously Quick Stories.

Ken Brady’s latest story, “Walkers of the Deep Blue Sea and Sky” appears in the Exquisite Corpuscle anthology, edited by Jay Lake and Frank Wu.

Angela Slatter’s story ‘Frozen’ will appear in the December 09 issue of Doorways Magazine, and ‘The Girl with No Hands’ will appear in the next issue of Lady Churchill’s Rosebud Wristlet.

David Kopaska-Merkel’s book of humorous noir fiction based on nursery rhymes, Nursery Rhyme Noir 978-09821068-3-9, is sold at the Genre Mall. Other new books include The zSimian Transcript (Cyberwizard Productions) and Brushfires (Sams Dot Publishing).

Careful…

by Jonathan Wood

DISCLAIMER: The story below uses the names of real celebrities. If you think any of the events portrayed even vaguely resemble real events, please contact me—I have a magic lamp to sell you.

Eventually they found me. The media. I figured they would sooner or later, what with everything that had been going on. So I explained to them about the lamp, and about the genie and the three wishes. And I explained about how my first impulse had been to wish for the general selfish things that everyone thinks of, but then how I’d thought about it a bit and done what I think most people would really do if they’d been in that situation.

First I wished for lasting world peace.

Second, I wished for the eradication of all diseases and ailments.

“What about the third wish?” asked Dan Rather, who seemed to be the ringleader.

“I haven’t decided what to do with it yet,” I said. Which was true.

Things got rather ugly after that.

Matt Lauer started smashing my stuff with a baseball bat he’d brought. Crash. Crash. Crash.

“You better wish it back, you bastard!” Keith Olberman shouted.

Bill O’Reilly was sobbing into his hands, just repeating “I’m doing pet detective segments,” over and over.

“Wish it back!” They took up the chant, started advancing on me. “Wish it back!”

“You have any idea what you’ve done to my ratings?” Larry King had a knife.

In retrospect, of course, I should have turned them all into chickens or something, made them feel inner peace. I don’t know exactly, something. But I panicked. Katie Couric had a very vicious looking cleaver and kept letting out short yelps. And, yeah, I panicked. And I put it all back.

So that’s how that all went down, and how things all got messed up so bad again. Of course, nobody in the news is letting me get my story out, which is why I’m putting it here. I guess I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I guess I wanted someone to know.

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One Response to “Careful…”

  1. David Says:

    February 11th, 2009 at 3:52 pm

    I love stories about wishes. The most famous one is of course the Oscar Mayer wiener joke. But only slightly less famous, well, I don’t know which one is only slightly less famous. But this one is definitely up there in quality, if not in fame. What makes it is the apology at the end. Up to that point it’s just another story but that makes it very personal and brings the reader face-to-face with the protagonist.